It is with great sadness that we announce that we are being sued for copyright infringement over the name of this paper. It seems that someone has come up with the cockamamie idea that this paper has at times used names that have been protected by the federal copyright laws. We don't know what they are talking about, but if they want to meet us in court, let them come. We have been represented by the law firm of Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe, and are firm in our expectation that we will prevail. We have, however, been advised by our attorneys to again change the name of this paper to avoid clouding the legal issues while the court action goes ahead. To this end we have chosen as a new name one that is little known in the world of serious journalism. From this time forward (or until the next issue) we will be known as The Deseret News.
Elder Darrell Mundy has been called to serve in the West Indies Mission and his farewell was held on Sunday, April 30, 1995. He will be serving on the island of Trinidad. For those in the know, Trinidad is a hotbed of Reggae music and other Rastafarian nonsense. Elder Mundy will likely never have to wear a suit on his mission as it is very hot and humid in the West Indies. With Elder Mundy in the missionary service, the Plano 8th Ward has 14 missionaries serving. Good luck Elder M. and remember that this newsletter will plague you for your whole mission.
It appears that the story in the January Issue of this paper about Janice Phillips, lovely wife of Bishop Richard Phillips (she calls him "Stinky" in private) having found a Stegosaurus in her laundry room was in error. We are sorry for any embarrassment we have caused the Phillips family (as if any of them could read anyway). We will discuss a cash settlement in lieu of a lawsuit and can be reached through our attorneys.
By the time this paper reaches the furthest corners of its circulation territory, Elders Barry Port and Marc Johnson will be on their way home from their respective fields of service. Elder Port plans to go off to be a counselor at the Especially For Youth encampment in San Antonio in the mistaken assumption that it will be a good place to pick up girls. You are wrong in that idea Port; it will be a GREAT place to pick up girls. Elder Marc Johnson will spend the first few weeks back in America visiting medical specialists to try to get rid of two years worth of intestinal parasites. Richard Phillips and Michael Jones will be returning from Ecuador and New York before the next issue hits the press too.
Elder Huber is now serving in a suburb of London and is only four months away from finishing his mission. Elder Huber has learned to know and love the English people and is especially fond of their fine foods. Through his mother, he reports a great fondness for baked beans on toast. His mother has enrolled in a cooking class to try to master the art of preparing this dish with which to honor him on his return to America in September.
Elder Taylor, who has just been transferred from an island off the coast of Venezuela to a backwater pueblo in the interior reports the following: "I'm dirty, I'm hungry, and I live like a dog." You can tell from statements like this how much he loves his mission. Actually, we suspect Elder Taylor to be more than just a little guilty of plagiarism in making this statement. As anyone who reads church history knows, Elder Wilford Woodruff once told his wife Fanny, "I'm dirty." President Joseph Smith, in response to a query as to his general condition while incarcerated in the Liberty Jail said, "I'm hungry." Finally, McGruff, the famous crimestopper hound, once bragged to his girlfriend, a little bitch from the other side of the tracks, "I live like a dog." Be more original Elder Taylor, or we'll drop you from the circulation of this paper like you never existed.
The editor of this paper (as well as several other fine papers including The Servant, The Herald, The Star, The Missionary Newsletter, and the Do Not Remove This Label) has been sued by a collection of chowderheads and idiots for allegedly using names for the paper that had been legally claimed by others. On the best legal advice, the editor, who is fearless in the face of threats like these, has been told that, in fact, ignorance of the law is a pretty good excuse. Attorney P. Lee Bargain of the distinguished firm of Dewey, Cheatam, and Howe will be handling the case from his office in Nassau, in the Bahamas. In spite of the obvious innocence of the editor in this trumped-up case, it is sad that this blot to his character occurred just two months after his having received one of journalism's highest awards, the Gold Cup Award for Plagiarism.