A name is an important indicator of the seriousness of any publication. Accordingly, we have changed the name of this Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter to The Book of Mormon. It is hoped that our many readers will understand the solemnity of this name and stop using old copies of the newsletter to line the bottom of their birdcages. Heretofore this name change will be permanent. This has been done not to confuse our readers, but to better evade whatever authorities would like to get their greasy hands on us and sue us for big bucks. We hope this new name will make them think twice before trying to drag us into court.

A little known fact among casual students of the Book of Mormon is that King Benjamin, giver of rather longish speeches, was the inventor of the echo. Today we take echoes for granted, but back in KB's time, the echo was a new and novel phenomenon. In fact, the reason the king built a tall tower and called all the people together to hear him speak was that he loved to trick them by creating an echo chamber in the narrow valley where they were seated. One of his favorite tricks was to close his speeches by yelling the word "amen" as loud as he could. He would then run down from the tower and disappear into the crowd before the last AMEN, amen, amen, amen, amen... faded away. The first time the people saw and heard this marvel they roared with delight. By the time the old king died he had pulled this trick several hundred times and frankly, the folks were tired of it and yearned for a new act.

This reporter has uncovered an almost certainly true and shocking fact. Although not yet confirmed by the First Presidency, the Missionary Committee, or the General Presidency of the Relief Society, there is good evidence that the new Conference Center, recently constructed in downtown Salt Lake City, was paid for in part by the World Wrestling Federation.

An unofficial estimate of the seating capacity of the center reveals that it can seat 37,512,374 people. Next to General Conference, only the main events of the World Wrestling Federation draw this many people.

Sandwiched between next April's General Conference and Women's Conference a week later, will be the 37th Annual WWF Three Man Tag Team Championship match between Kane, Undertaker, and The Rock on one side and Big Boss Man, Bull Buchanan, and Gorilla Monsoon on the other.

The intelligent, spiritual, and beautiful women's wrestling champion Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley will make a guest appearance.

Biblical Scholars from the Ricks College Department of Biblical Scholarship and Jobs in the Fast Food Industry have determined that the Old Testament Book of Numbers was really an ancient telephone book. Although they are still in the process of deciphering many of the numbers, they are relatively certain they have discovered the home phone numbers of Adam, Enoch, Methuselah, and Nimrod. Also discovered are the fax number of Moses and the cellular phone number of II Chronicles.

Responding to complaints from chowder-headed nuts of the animal rights movement, the Missionary Committee has reversed their previously announced position on tracting with gerbils. From now on, the practice of carrying several teaching gerbils in backpacks next to the Joseph Smith pamphlets will be stopped. The directive does not require immediate cessation of this practice in cases where investigators have effectively bonded with the teaching gerbils. Existing gerbil supplies may be used up, but new ones may not be bred for this purpose.

Elders and Sisters serving in missions worldwide are asked to immediately stop participating in missionary splits. A rash of pelvic injuries has prompted this drastic change in mission policy.

Elders and Sisters preparing for missionary service at the MTC on the campus of BYU in Provo, UT have been asked to avoid the use of abbreviations and acronyms in discussing the church and the gospel. All missionaries should continue to study the OT, the NT, the BofM, the D&C, and the PofGP. Citing a study by the C.E.S., the Admin. of the MTC has determined that the overuse of acronyms and abbreviations in P.E.C., R.S., YW, YM, and other mtgs. is confusing.

Recognizing that all missionaries are not able to earn the money to completely pay for their own missions, the Missionary Committee, in association with ZCMI, will begin issuing special missionary VISA cards. These cards will have a credit limit of $375 per month and can be used to charge the entire cost of a mission. An additional benefit will be that the users of these Missionary VISA cards will earn frequent flyer miles with each use of the card.

The First Presidency is expected to join with the editor of this paper to declare it a sacrilege to line the bottom of a birdcage (see lead article) with old issues of this Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter. Anyone caught doing this will be punished by making them read the articles that appear on the back page of the Church News for a whole year.