Most of our regular readers know we have had to change the name of this award winning newsletter every issue. This has been by necessity and not by design. A string of unfortunate lawsuits brought by crooked attorneys, as well as a painful boil sent by a benevolent but nonetheless vengeful God has kept us scrambling for a name that describes our excellent content but doesn't violate some screwball copyright law in the process. We are happy to announce that the new and permanent name of this paper will henceforward be The Journal of Small Engine Repair. Anyone trying to associate this paper with its predecessor papers (The Star, The Herald, The Servant, Close Cover Before Striking, Do Not Remove This Label, The Deseret News, The Journal of Veterinary Medicine, Award Winning Newsletter, It Wasn't Our Fault, Damn The Torpedoes, The Chicago Tribune, The Wretched Mess News, The Book of Ruth, Floor Coverings Review, Floor Coverings Review-2, Journal of American Goatkeeping, Nightcrawlers, Are They The Best Bait?, Nice Guys Finish Last, Is Snobbery The Best Policy?, Dave, and The London Financial Times) is a chowderhead of the first rank.

From this time forward we will devote the pages of this newsletter to ways the gospel can be spread utilizing the principles and practices of good small engine repair. Undoubtedly, some of you are thinking there is no correlation between missionary work and small engine repair. Come to think of it, you just may be right.

Elder Russell Ballard has announced a new policy whereby it is now permissible to use household pets as companions when home teaching. Only domesticated pets such as dogs, cats, goldfish, and gerbils should be used as companions. Elder Ballard stressed that pets should not be expected to give lessons involving complicated gospel principles. In keeping with his previous policy statement on this subject, Elder Ballard said visiting teachers, missionaries, and deacons collecting fast offerings can use barnyard animals in addition to household pets as companions in emergency situations. Any questions about this policy should be submitted in writing directly to the Missionary Department of the Church. Be sure to use your full name, mission, and home address in your written inquiry so they can find you and your family when they respond.

It is with great pride that we announce that two fine journalism professionals have joined the staff of this newsletter. They are pictured here with the editor.

Before joining the staff of the Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter, they were on the staff of the Belly Dancer's Weekly, a major publication based in Logan, Utah. Specific duties will be assigned them sometime in the distant future.

In a wholly appropriate and long overdue action, several recipes used by the Relief Society in their luncheons and in ward dinners have been officially excommunicated. It is hoped this action will result in these recipes never showing up in church dinners again. The excommunicated recipes include most raw vegetable plates, anything combining cream cheese, spinach, and green olives, and all casseroles with crushed soda crackers sprinkled on top of them. Most forms of macaroni have also been relegated to the infernal regions by this action. While somewhat unusual, it was emphasized that these excommunications have the full force of ecclesiastical authority and are for time and all eternity, without possibility of parole.

Great excitement was generated in the scientific and educational community last month with the announcement of the re-invention of electricity by the Ricks College Department of Pre-Pre-Engineering and Putting Stuff Together. Professor B. A. Weenie, head of the department and leader of the re-invention team, was asked if he repeated Benjamin Franklin's famous experiment consisting of having a first semester freshman fly a kite in an electrical storm to generate electricity. "Naw," he said, "we just plugged the toaster into the wall outlet and presto! We had electricity." As can be easily imagined, the Editor was too stunned for words. After the interview Professor Weenie used his new re-invention to make several stacks of hot toast which he generously shared with this Editor.