This newsletter will hereafter be named in memory of the famous quote by Leo Durocher, great baseball player, coach, and inventor of the hot dog, who once said, "Nice Guys Finish Last." He meant that the characteristics that make winners are not the traits that make people likable. In an effort to explore this very unchristian attitude, this edition of the Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter will examine the history of several nice guys who were also winners (or were they really?) and some nasty guys who, in spite of being nasty, still finished last.

At 969 years old when he died, Methuselah was one of the oldest people to ever live. Few realize that Methuselah had an even older brother who lived five years longer than Methuselah. His name was Phil. He was one of the world's first and foremost nice guys. Since Phil, and not Methuselah, lived longest, Phil was the first person to lend credibility to Leo Durocher's axiom about when nice guys would finish. Phil isn't mentioned in our modern bibles. Anyone owning a really old bible containing a copy of the apocryphal Book of the Last Gasps of Phil can read about how he lived, how he was a nice guy, and how he died.

Many of our readers are still writing to the Editor and asking dumb questions. To shame them out of this practice, this newsletter will not only reprint the silly question, but also the name of the chowderhead who asked it. Hopefully this practice will not only slow the rate of mind numbing questions, but also fill some enormous educational gaps.

Elder Doug Taylor asks this cement-headed question from Paraguay: Is it true that Elder Thomas Monson approves of the use of the "s" word (otherwise known by people who frequently swear as #@!*^!) by missionaries when they are upset? Ans: Yes, but only while playing church-sponsored basketball.

Elder Jared Wandry writes from Portugal, asking: When is it appropriate to scratch in public, and where? Ans: Your problems with fleas are well known, Elder. My uncle, Millard L. Ewebanks, used to advocate the wearing of a flea collar everywhere he went in an effort to avoid fleas. He also wore flypaper in place of a necktie. He died one day while crossing a wire fence when his flea collar got snagged on the fence post. Take a hint from this sad but true story, Elder Wandry. There are worse things in the world than your having fleas. My having fleas, for example, would be a far worse thing than your having fleas.

Elder Michael Jones sent this really dopey question from Boise Idaho: I read the last issue of the Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter, the one that was titled, Nightcrawlers, Are They The Best Bait? where you mentioned the actress Loni Anderson. Is it true that you only mentioned her because she is beautiful and warm and sensuous? Ans: Get a grip Elder, you still have ten months to go on your mission, of course it is true.

Elder Joe Ashurst, who is serving in the New Hampshire Manchester Spanish Speaking Mission sent this dumbo of a query to the Editor: I learned Spanish in the MTC and then they sent me to New Hampshire. I haven't seen or heard a Spanish speaking person up here in the entire 15 months of my mission. Was this supposed to be some kind of a joke or something? Ans: You should know better than to question where you were sent on your mission. I suggest you look for a Taco Bell in the yellow pages and go there at once. A man in a funny hat is waiting to hear your message and then take your order in Spanish.

Elder Ben Odom sends this yawner of a question from Japan: I have noticed that your newsletter is always filled with trivial and demeaning articles that tend to make fun of people and important things. It never has anything in it that is uplifting or spiritual. Ans: So, what's your point?

Most missionaries appreciate the importance of clawing their way to the top of the mission organization. What could be more important than becoming a senior, a trainer, a DL, ZL, AP, or MPWLD (Mission President's Wife's Lap-Dog)? One very important lesson to learn is that is easier to build yourself up by tearing other people down. Start keeping notes on the blunders and gaffs of your mission leaders. Take photos of them breaking mission rules. Take photos of anyone breaking mission rules and then re-touch the photos by putting your Zone Leader's head on someone else's body in the picture. Use the photos during interviews with the Area Authority and you will be surprised at how fast you get promoted.

Elder Matt Jennejohn of Dousman, Wisconsin is the latest missionary to be called into the MTC and thereby become qualified to receive this illustrative newsletter. Matt has been called to serve in Iceland. Interestingly, while Iceland is in the Norway, Copenhagen Mission, his entire time will be spent in Iceland. No reprieve, no chance of seeing the better parts of his mission, only two long years in the land of the midnight sun. Coming from Wisconsin, Matt is already rather pasty-faced, never having seen the sun for more than two days straight. When he returns from Iceland he will be as white as the snowy fields he has learned to call home. In the words of Leif Frozentush, mayor of Rejavik, capital of Iceland: "Maybe this isn't the warmest place to live, but our airplanes can get to Florida just as easily as yours can."

Missionaries in southern climates are no longer required to wear shirts while tracting. Almost all Elders have praised this change, but most Sisters are still wary of the idea.

We are sad to announce the injury of our dog, Pogo. As a valuable member of our staff he was responsible for licking envelopes after the newsletter was stuffed into them. He had also just been trained to lick postage stamps, and it was hoped that Sister Editor would be able to turn that job over to him soon. Below is a poetic tribute to this faithful pet. Read it and weep!