You can bet that we on the editorial staff of this fine paper were very surprised at having to change the name of the newsletter once more. It seems that the owners of the copyrights of The Book of Ruth and The Wretched Mess News got together and decided to flex their collective muscle. Milford Stanley Poltroon of West Yellowstone, Montana, owner of the copyright of The Wretched Mess News sued us in the state courts, while God, the owner of the copyright of The Book of Ruth sent this Editor a wicked boil that made sitting difficult.

We tried to get permission for keeping our old name based on the fact that you can't just change the name of a world renowned paper without confusing our many readers. Apparently our argument fell on deaf ears as the boil got worse and the sheriff threatened to shut us down.

So here we are, having to stoop so low as to name this paper the Floor Coverings Review. On the upside though, we do plan to run a series of articles about how missionary work is much more pleasant when done on deep pile carpeting.

One of the joys of missionary life is being exposed to new and exotic foods. Here is a sampling of favorite foods as reported to this Editor from missionaries in the field.

Elder Ryan Faerber, Hong Kong Mission: "I like anything that doesn't move or squeal when I bite into it."

Elder Jared Wandry, Portugal Porto Mission: "Everything we eat here is in Portuguese. Things taste better in Portuguese than they do in English."

Elder Greg Taylor, Venezuela Barcelona Mission: "Frijoles, arroz y mas frijoles."

Elder Ryan Mortensen, Spain Madrid Mission: "I'm still in the MTC for a while but I really like the gravy here. I used to eat gravy on everything but now I eat only the gravy."

Elder James Jones, Idaho Boise Mission: "The Relief Society here prepares all our meals a year in advance and freezes them. We never know what any of it is, but it's all good."

Elder Todd Johnson, Brazil Rio de Janeiro Mission: "My companion and I are fasting. We haven't had food or drink for seven months. We are very spiritual."

Elder Joe Ashurst, New Hampshire Manchester Mission: "Our mission President is a great fan of John the Baptist. He wants us to eat nothing but locusts and honey like JTB did in the Judean wilderness. Do you have any idea how many locusts there are up here in New Hampshire? I tried to substitute roaches for locusts once, but they were too salty."

Elder Douglas Taylor, MTC, bound for Paraguay Asunción Mission: "Cold cereal."

Elder Nathan Whipple, California Ventura Mission: "Nuts, boy do I love nuts. Here in California there are a lot of nuts."

Elder Jeff Ludlow, Brazil Rio de Janeiro North Mission: "I like everything there is to eat here in Brazil. I have gained 137 extra pounds since arriving here. I look and feel great."

Forest fires raged across Utah the first week of August. Mount Timpanogos burned to the ground and the MTC was enveloped in a thick, lung searing blanket of smoke. In a characteristic response to this dire emergency, the missionaries in the MTC were allowed to remove their coats. One frightened Elder from Logan, Utah thought it looked like the end of the world. Another missionary from Los Angeles thought it looked like home.

Most significant archaeological finds are the result of painstaking work with spade and brush, under a hot desert sun. When an old wallet was found in a dumpster in Clovis, New Mexico last April no one imagined it would be one of the greatest finds of the century. The wallet was sent to the BYU Department of Old Stuff Found in Dumpsters for careful analysis. Unfortunately, several bills that were in the wallet when it arrived were missing the next morning. The rest of the wallet's contents were carefully analyzed and it has been unquestionably concluded that this is none other than the wallet of Nephi, the ancient American prophet. Skeptics charged that there is no evidence from the scriptures that Nephi even carried a wallet. Even if he did, they ask, how could it have survived for 2,600 years? Brushing aside the claims of critics, researchers produced three pieces of evidence that seem to give clear proof of Nephi's ownership of this old wallet. These items include:

1. A driver's license with the name "Nephi" clearly printed on it.
2. A small warranty card for a Liahona.
3. A short note that reads, "Nephi, you're a Chowderhead" from someone named Laman.

The Editor of this newsletter has just recovered from an accidental operation. Thinking he was only scheduled for a rather delicate boil removal, the Editor, because of a series of confused communications with his foreign doctor, ended up undergoing a much more serious and far-reaching surgical procedure. After the operation he noticed some subtle changes in his looks as well as new preferences in dress and hair style. He also started getting more invitations to dine out with older gentlemen than before. Enclosed is a picture of the Editor after his operation.