After talking to several recently returned missionaries, it became evident that next to this newsletter, the secular document commanding profound respect among missionaries is the Missionary Handbook. Henceforward, to capitalize on that store of goodwill, the editorial staff has determined to change our name to The Missionary Handbook. This is in keeping with our long-standing philosophy that a reputation is easier to fake than to earn.

Anyone holding prior copies of this newsletter, (The Star, The Herald, The Servant, Close Cover Before Striking, Do Not Remove This Label, The Deseret News, The Journal of Veterinary Medicine, Award Winning Newsletter, It Wasn't Our Fault, Damn The Torpedoes, The Chicago Tribune, The Wretched Mess News, The Book of Ruth, Floor Coverings Review, Floor Coverings Review-2, Journal of American Goatkeeping, Nightcrawlers, Are They The Best Bait?, Nice Guys Finish Last, Is Snobbery The Best Policy?, Dave, The London Financial Times, The Journal of Small Engine Repair, and The Constitution of the United States of America) should throw them out immediately as they tend to emit noxious gasses after only a few weeks indoors. Elder R. Ballard of the Council of the Twelve used to store his old newsletters in hatband, but he has been asked by the First Presidency to not do that any more.

The July 1997 issue of this paper contained a terrific article reporting that Lehi's ship, the Foxy Lady had been found by an archeological team headed by this Editor. Several chuckleheads wrote to express doubts that this event actually happened as had been reported. They stopped just short of accusing the Editor and staff of this newsletter of lying. In fact, they didn't stop short of that accusation, they did accuse us of lying. They said we did it just to grab a headline. This paper has always prided itself on its adherence to the truth, so we are understandably incensed at these wild accusations and refer all future letters of complaint, threat, or even friendly discussion to our attorney P. Lee Bargain at the firm of Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe.

We know there are still some godless skeptics out there who are ever ready to disbelieve the truth as reported in this newsletter. Those wishing conclusive proof of the reality of this magnificent piece of archaeological discovery can obtain a Certificate of Veracity to validate the story of the discovery of the Foxy Lady. Just send the Editor of this award winning newsletter a short note and a cashier's check or money order in the amount of $150.00 and we will quickly make up a very official looking certificate that will be suitable for framing.

The Editor of this newsletter has just been honored by being awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Insightful Reporting. Citing the thematic consistency of the articles, as well as our responsible use of recycled paper, the awards committee said there just wasn't any other real competition for this award.

The prize included a cash award of $250,000, which all previous winners had donated to a worthy charity. The Editor could not be found to be asked what charity he planned to endow as he had already gone off with some bimbo to blow the whole amount in a casino in South America. This is why there was no August 1997 issue of the Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter.

In the September 1994 issue we featured a recipe for Ecuadorian Boiled Monkey as sent in by Elders Marc Johnson and Richard Phillips, both of whom have long since returned from their missions and slipped into quiet and permanent obscurity. Their recipe, however, is still causing a great stir in international circles. Unfortunately for Marc and Richard, the World Council for the Prevention of Cruelty to Monkeys is looking for them to snuff them out for endangering the population of Ecuadorian monkeys. Coincidentally, they are also being hunted by the World Council for the Prevention of Cruelty to Ecuadorians who want to snuff them out for feeding this awful recipe to innocent and fun-loving Ecuadorians.

While all this goes on in the background, we are proud to print a new recipe just sent in to us from Elder James Jones who is serving in the Idaho-Boise Mission. Elder Jones is astonished by the inventive ways people in Idaho use potatoes in their diets. Elder J. has learned how to make a steak dinner from one 200-pound bag of choice Idaho potatoes. Unfortunately we could not read his recipe as it had potato stains and steak sauce spilled all over it, but we did read enough to determine that his secret has something to do with taking the bag of potatoes to the back door of his favorite restaurant and trading it for a steak dinner.

Several significant changes have been announced for the MTC to begin immediately. Responding to complaints from missionaries sent to stateside missions that they aren't having the full range of missionary experiences shared by missionaries sent to South America, Elder Russell Ballard has announced the new Viva Gringo Program. This program will serve to make stateside missionaries not secretly wish they had been sent to South or Central America by giving them some of the great experiences their brothers and sisters south of the border are having. In addition to several mock baptismal services to be held throughout each year to let them at least get the feel of what a real missionary baptism is like, they will also be infected with rare and incurable tropical diseases, eat only hot Mexican foods, and have half of their mail intercepted and stolen.