Readers familiar with this award-winning newsletter know that unfortunate legal entanglements have required us to change the name of this paper every issue. It seems that as soon as we arrive at a name that adequately reflects the sagacity of our editorial policy, some melonhead sues us for copyright infringement. Unfortunately, once again our attorneys Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe have advised us to change our name. From this time forward we will be known as The Wretched Mess News. Additionally, in recognition of the worldwide origins of our dozen of readers, we will drop the tagline "Plano 8th Ward Newsletter," in favor of our new sobriquet, "Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter." Readers with back issues of The Servant, The Herald, The Star, The Missionary Newsletter, Do Not Remove This Label, Close Cover Before Striking, The Texas Blabber, The Deseret News, The Journal of Veterinary Medicine, Award Winning Newsletter, It Wasn't Our Fault, Damn The Torpedoes, and The Chicago Tribune can take advantage of our amnesty program and turn their old issues in to the authorities without fear of reprisal.

We will keep this new name forever, or at least until its rightful owner, Milford Poltroon of West Yellowstone, Montana sues us. All we have to say at this time is, "Get in line Poltroon, there are lots of lawsuits ahead of yours."

Several missionaries who have had the great opportunity of receiving this newsletter for the duration of their mission will be returning soon to their homes to commence psychotherapy and attempt to regain a semblance of normalcy in their lives. Additionally, others have been added to the list of recipients and are welcomed to the "favored few" who get this paper.

• Elder Nathan Whipple of Angleton, Texas enters the MTC in June and will serve in the California, Ventura Mission. So far Elder Whipple still believes the lie that his will be an English speaking mission. Wake up and smell the tortillas, Elder Whipple!
• Elder Ben Odom of Angleton, Texas is going to the Guatemala, Guatemala City North Mission. Elder Odom will be happy to read our recipe for Boiled Guatemalan Monkey if we ever get around to re-printing favorite missionary recipes from past issues.
• Elder Doug Taylor of Plano, Texas is currently submitting to a series of cruel and inhumane shots in preparation to going to the Paraguay, Asuncion Mission. He too has been duped into thinking that he will only have to learn Spanish, even though 70% of Paraguay's rural population speak only Guarani, a native language consisting of only 372 words. Amazingly, 29% of those words describe various temperatures of beer. Good luck among the Guaranis, Elder Taylor.
• Elder Ryan Mortensen will be leaving in July to serve in the Spain, Barcelona Mission. To get into his missionary role, Elder Mortensen has been sleeping in his mission suits for the past three weeks.
• Serving in the Texas, Dallas Mission are Elders Gaither Martin and Shane Walker, both from Eagar, Arizona. Together with Elder Nicholas Eckhardt of Palatka, Florida, they recently broke all mission rules and left their areas of assignment and spent a wild weekend in Dallas, even attending a Regional Meeting where they were almost caught by none other that President G. B. Hinckley. Watch that stuff Elders.

Book of Mormon scholars have long wondered about references (Ether 9:19) to an animal called a curelom. The only thing known about them is that they were abundant and useful to man. Happily, the editor of this very newsletter has chanced upon the solution to this mystery. While digging a pit for his neighbor, this editor found a stone with a partially recognizable inscription on it. Careful study by the Ricks College School of Old Stuff Laying Around On The Ground has revealed it to be a portion of one of King Benjamin's favorite recipes. Some of the words in the inscription were partially damaged, but what was readable were the very clear words "...cureloms, prepared in a _____ sauce and _____over a _____ fire, taste like chicken." Further investigation of this issue is being undertaken by the BYU School of Fast Food Preparation.

Meals Ready to Eat (MRE's) developed for US Military forces in the field are being studied for use in the missions of the church. Sister Imma Joker of the Missionary Department said that current plans are to send each missionary into the field with 2,080 individual MRE food packets, thus eliminating the need to obtain and/or prepare food for an entire two years.

As a service to the recently returned or returning missionaries, we will be running a series of articles aimed at helping with the sometimes difficult adjustment to "civilian" life at the end of a mission. To this end, the following article is offered to those who are in this situation.

In a recent speech at BYU, Elder Yoshihito Hicoochicoochicoo reiterated the long standing advice given by church leaders that returning missionaries plan to marry early after their return and avoid marrying girls with a cloven hoof. "Marry in the Faith" was the title of Elder Hicoochicoochicoo's talk. In it, he said that girls with hoofs, horns, tails, or the propensity to nibble from low hanging branches should be politely avoided. Shortly after the speech a small herd of girls was seen grazing near the Wilkinson Center.

The proper use of small electric appliances as aids to teaching the gospel was the subject of a recent study by Doctor Elmo Thwump, Emeritus Professor of The Department of Small Appliances and author of the best selling book, "Teaching By Trickery." Doctor Thwump has observed that giving away a toaster or a steam iron to a new customer has long been an effective method used by banks to encourage new customers to open accounts. From this observation, he has postulated that this same method should be tried by the missions of the church. He thinks that tastefully done, this new practice could double the number of annual convert baptisms. He suggests that only the best appliances, those that are UL approved, should be used in this program. Doctor Thwump has asked for a meeting with the Missionary Committee to discuss his ideas but to date they have not returned his calls. Privately it is thought that the Missionary Committee considers Dr. Thwump to be somewhat loony.