All of us have wondered at some time in our lives about the age old question, Bait Fishing: Is it For Real? This collectors issue of the Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter will attempt to add a new dimension to that philosophical puzzler. This prize-winning Editor (see the list of prizes won by the Editor at the bottom of the third column) will show how bait fishermen through the ages have changed the course of history. New Dead Sea Scrolls translations reveal the true reading of Matthew 4:19 to be, "Follow me, and I will make you bait-fishers of men."

Dedicated to making worm dunking, minnow skewering, and other forms of bait fishing applicable to missionary activity, the new and everlasting name of this paper will be Nightcrawlers, Are They The Best Bait?

There is a book in the New Testament called The Ax of the Apostles. Many missionaries have not completely read this book. Due to the appalling ignorance of most people about this book, this Editor will attempt to set straight some common misunderstandings from this little-read scripture.

The Ax of the Apostles is thought to have been written by a man named Luke, who had already written one book and was well on his way to becoming a really talented writer. Now this Luke was reported to have been a physician by profession. It is not surprising to us to find Luke wanting to get out of the physician business and into the writing game, given what we know today about how appalling the practice of medicine was in those days. Anyway, Luke gave up on his leeches, herbs, and incantations to write The Ax of the Apostles, some of whom he knew personally as he had treated their boils and delivered their wive's babies.

We can only guess that the "ax" spoken of in this book was a kind of a cutting tool similar to our modern ax, re-invented in the year 847 AD by Myron Bloodaxe, the Viking marauder. Perhaps the ax referred to by Luke was used to make the footstool referred to in Chapter 2:35 where it reads, "…till I make your enemies your footstool." Now an ax is a crude instrument with which to make a footstool, but a careful reading of these seven words reveals that the footstool is being made for enemies, not friends, so the presence of splinters on the sitting surface of the footstool is a real bonus.

The ax of the Apostles must also have been used by the angel referred to in 12:7 to free Peter from prison by breaking his chains. The last we hear of the ax of the Apostles is in 28:3 when Paul used it to cut some sticks to use to hide his pet snake.

Next month's Bible Study column will examine the question about the oldest man, Methuselah: "If he lived to the age of 969, when did he start dating?"

In our modern electronic age, a Frequently Asked Question is referred to as a FAQ. All FAQs fall into two categories, Stupid FAQs and Not so Stupid, But Still Kinda Dumb FAQs. As any missionary has been told a dozen times in the MTC, there is no such thing as a stupid FAQ. Our teachers have been telling us this for years in hopes that we will keep asking really stupid questions so they will have gut-busting stories to tell other teachers about their students when they get together in the Teacher's Lounge.

To save you the embarrassment that comes from asking a question you really need the answer to, but causes your teacher/zone leader/mission president to laugh in your eager face, the Editor of this paper will print some of the most Frequently Asked Questions of new missionaries, together with their carefully researched answers. Review this material in the privacy of your own apartment, amaze your leaders with the depth of your knowledge, and dazzle the experts with your brilliance. Here they are:

1. Is it true that Elder Thomas Monson can still run the 100 yard dash in under nine seconds? Ans: Yes, it is true.
2. Where did the mission president's wife learn all those things about hygiene that she told us at the last Zone Conference? Ans: About five years ago she had this bad rash that just wouldn't go away so she went to a special rash treatment clinic in Nogales, Mexico that was run by a para-holistic healer named Dr. Juan Bautista Cortez de la Nueva Leon Higgins. Dr. Juan gave her a special powder plus a crate full of old medical pamphlets he had written for the army while he was a medical student. She got the information from those old pamphlets. Incidentally, she still has the rash. Ask her about it the next time you see her.
3. I have heard that at the end of my mission I will be given a bunch of anti-parasite pills by the mission president's wife, with instructions to take them after I arrive back in the USA. Is it true that she would go to prison for practicing bad medicine without a license if she were to give me these pills while in the USA? Ans: Yes, for a long, long time.
4. I heard that Gordon Jump, the very fine actor starring in the TV show, WKRP Cincinnati, is a member of the church. Would he be a good choice to speak at an investigator fireside? Ans: Loni Anderson would be a far better choice.
5. Is it true that Elder Russell Ballard's wife, after seeing how he bungled his proposal to her, consented to marry him for "time" only, with no commitment for the "and all eternity" phase? Ans: I haven't heard that one, but it very well might be true.

The "Most Honored Journalist In The Universe Award," given by the Editor's mother.

The "Aggressive Spelling Award," given by the American Association of Creative Spelling.

The "Commendation of Appreciation," given by the American Trial Lawyer's Association for the money the Editor has paid them to keep him out of jail for libel, slander, and copyright infringement.