The name of this award-winning newsletter has been changed to The Journal of Applied Taxidermy. Unlike other name changes, this one is for keeps.
As we all know, taxidermy is the art of skinning and mounting dead animals to make them look alive and last forever. We have chosen this name in honor of the fact that the Church has just created an official position in Salt Lake City for a Church Taxidermist. Although not formally announced, it is thought this will be a General Authority position in the Church. We can look forward to many stirring addresses in future conferences on the subject of taxidermy.
The role of the Church Taxidermist is to work with General Authorities who have been put on "Emeritus" status to help them plan their futures.
Anyone holding prior copies of this newsletter, (The Star, The Herald, The Servant, Close Cover Before Striking, Do Not Remove This Label, The Deseret News, The Journal of Veterinary Medicine, Award Winning Newsletter, It Wasn't Our Fault, Damn The Torpedoes, The Chicago Tribune, The Wretched Mess News, The Book of Ruth, Floor Coverings Review, Floor Coverings Review-2, Journal of American Goatkeeping, Nightcrawlers, Are They The Best Bait?, Nice Guys Finish Last, Is Snobbery The Best Policy?, Dave, The London Financial Times, The Journal of Small Engine Repair, and The Constitution of the United States of America, and The Missionary Handbook) should put them aside and start using them to keep the bottom of the birdcage clean.
Many of us are familiar with the new question asked by Bishops and Stake Presidents in worthiness interviews. The brethren have long been concerned with some members of the Church thinking they were better than others and have decided to act to stop these invidious feelings. Henceforward, every member will have to honestly answer the new worthiness question to maintain full and good standing in the church. The question is "Have you ever sat in the first class section of an airplane?" It is hoped that all will answer this question honestly, affirming that they have not, and that they will forever remain in the back of the plane where they belong.
Mission Presidents are being asked to encourage missionaries to refrain from calling people names when they are rejected. It is understandingly frustrating to carry the message of the gospel and still be rejected dozens of times every day. We are reminded that having doors slammed in your face is no reason to call someone a poo-poo head or a lead butt. We are asked to follow the example of the Apostle Paul who, while being led through the streets of Damascus right after being stricken blind, had a bowling ball dropped on his head from a third story window by an irate Christian who had been persecuted by Paul (Saul) earlier in the week. Paul exemplified good Christian behavior by immediately falling unconscious in the mud without even thinking to call his attacker a name.
Tattoos have long been a means of fondly remembering favorite ports-of-call by members of the United States Military. Thinking they would also serve to help missionaries remember their great mission experiences throughout their lives, the Missionary Committee has approved the use of limited body tattoos, tastefully done, in no more than three colors for missionaries serving overseas. Tattoos are to be limited to the arms and are to be chosen from the following list of approved patterns.
Encouraged by the success of the recently concluded Pioneer Trek, the Church has decided to sponsor another historical reenactment. The BYU Department of Things We Wish Never Happened will direct the Mountain Meadows Massacre Reenactment in July of next year. Volunteers are being sought to play all parts.
Confusion is often seen in new missionaries in the MTC when it is explained that their mission field will be in another time zone from where they grew up. One young missionary from Blanding, Utah who had never traveled much beyond the Arctic Circle Drive-In on the edge of town simply did not believe that time was relative to one's position on the globe. In fact, he had to place a call back to his Stake President to be reassured that he wasn't being hand-fed a bag of manure with this one. After a long conversation he finally resolved to just continue to be confused on this issue for the next two years. When his mission was over he could return home to Blanding and forget all about time zones. To add fear to confusion, he was also told that he would be serving in a part of the world where the metric system was used. Accordingly, he was afraid he would feel extreme pain when his weight changed from pounds to kilograms.
Concern over the cost of keeping a missionary in the field for two full years, often in environments requiring frequent replacement of expensive footwear, has caused a new policy to be announced by the Missionary Committee. Recognizing that one pair of Rockport or Doc Martin shoes costs as much as the annual food budget for some people, a new method of providing footwear for missionaries has been developed. New entrants to the MTC will have titanium-alloy metal soles nailed to the bottom of their bare feet just like horses being shod. Doctor C. U. Blush of the Depart of Missionary Health assures us that this new footwear will last a full two years and be both safe and stylish at the same time.