Believe it or not, but some readers of this world class, award winning Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter still don't understand that is is our policy to change our name every time we publish a new issue. While other inferior rags keep their name the same and use a different volume number with each issue, we have chosen to take the ethical high road and keep the same volume number with each new issue and change the name. The name of the Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter has been changed to The Complete Poems of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
Serious Book of Mormon scholars have perhaps heard of King Benjamin's Address as contained in the Book of Mosiah. This address is clearly printed in the Book of Mormon, even though the phone number was carefully omitted. This is because while any muttonhead could pick up a phone to harass the King, few would go to the effort of actually going over to his house to give him grief. This is why King Benjamin was so free in giving out his address, but kept his phone number unlisted.
Only once, toward the end of his second term as King, did anyone actually come to his house to protest. A fellow named Larryonihahaha left an angry note in his mailbox that ended with the rather rude question "Who died and made you King anyway?" The King was away inspecting the new Nephite Conference Center (which consisted of a speaking tower overlooking a narrow valley) so he didn't get the note until it was too late to respond to it properly before the campaign began for his third term. Rumor has it that Larryonihahaha finally cooled off, forgot the entire matter, and ended up voting for King Benjamin in the general election.
Back to the really important part of this article though. Most people think that King Benjamin wrote his address on the back of an envelope while he was on his way to a ceremony to dedicate a Civil War battlefield. This is not correct. That was King Lincoln who lived many years after King Benjamin. Kin Benjamin wrote his address, not on the back of an envelope, but on the back of his laundry list. Amazingly, that laundry list has been recently discovered, hidden deep in the mountainside. More amazingly, the King's laundry list was found by none other than the editor of this newsletter.
Godless, dirt idol worshiping skeptics in our reading audience have raised baseless questions about the authenticity of the laundry list. We sent it to the Church to have their Department of Baseless Claims and Outright Frauds examine and certify it. So far, all we get when we call them to check on the status of our request is a lot of chuckles and then the phone goes dead. We assume this means they are doing an exhaustive study and will get back to us soon.
Of particular interest in the laundry list is that King Benjamin apparently liked to have his socks starched. The list shows he had seven pair of socks, all heavily starched. Brother Spencer Kinard, emeritus spokesman for the Tabernacle Choir, has explained that this made it easier for King Benjamin to keep on the straight and narrow path that leadeth to eternal life.
In a long expected announcement, the Missionary Committee has reduced the terms of service for female missionaries to three months, with every other weekend off to get their hair fixed.
Many missionaries leaving the MTC travel to their fields of service in airplanes. For a surprising number this is their first trip on a plane. To reduce the embarrassment of not knowing the most basic rules of flying, a class in air travel is now being taught at the MTC. This new class teaches the useful things veteran travelers need to know, like how much to tip the stewardess, why the stewards all look like hairdressers, and just what the flashing sign "Lavatory Occupied" really means. Advanced students will be taught when it's appropriate to scream, "WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" There is even a demonstration on the proper handling of the small plastic lined bag in front of every seat and why it's not a good idea to eat things that might be found in those bags. A veteran flier will address each class and explain how the Word of Wisdom is still generally applicable even at altitudes reached by most commercial airliners.
Worthy 19-year-old young men are called to serve missions and are called Elders. This practice requires (according to our understanding of eternal progression) that they be called by some other meaningful title after their missions. A committee has been formed to study this question. The committee has also been asked to determine why, if females mature faster than males, do they have to wait until they are 21 years old to serve missions. Should they be going on missions at age 17, by which time they are the emotional equals of most 19-year-old males? The last request made of this research committee was to come up with a catchier name for the Relief Society's new "Home, Family, and Personal Enrichment Meeting."
At the recently concluded General Conference, the First Presidency stated their opposition to tattoos and body piercing. They generally said that nobody in the church except their wives and daughters should have these vile things done to their bodies.
A new feature of this award winning newsletter will be the "Answers to Missionary Questions" column. We receive thousands of letters weekly from missionaries in the field who want honest answers to their most difficult questions. Beginning with the next issue, we will answer the most pressing of these questions for the benefit of our readers. Remember: There is no such thing as a stupid question! (HA!)
For the benefit of our faithful readers, here are a few of the questions that have recently come to us in the mail, over the Internet, and by the hand of trusty runners, from the Isles of the Seas.