Acting on a tip from my stockbroker, I have changed the name of this award winning newsletter to the London Financial Times. It was my broker's opinion that this may cause people to send in lots of money to invest for them and I could get very rich in the process. As the old name, Dave, wasn't exactly drawing in the bucks I thought it was worth a try. Anyone trying to associate this paper with it's predecessor papers (The Star, The Herald, The Servant, Close Cover Before Striking, Do Not Remove This Label, The Deseret News, The Journal of Veterinary Medicine, Award Winning Newsletter, It Wasn't Our Fault, Damn The Torpedoes, The Chicago Tribune, The Wretched Mess News, The Book of Ruth, Floor Coverings Review, Floor Coverings Review-2, Journal of American Goatkeeping, Nightcrawlers, Are They The Best Bait?, Nice Guys Finish Last, Is Snobbery The Best Policy?, and Dave) is a chowderhead of the first rank.

It is with profound regret that we announce Elder Douglas Taylor has apparently been completely devoured by an alligator. While attempting to lure a family into the waters of baptism by strewing cookies along a jungle path leading from a roadway to a pool in the swamp, Elder Taylor was overcome by a hungry gator.

The only effect remaining to positively identify Elder T. was his nametag.

To better finance the rising costs associated with the missionary effort, the Church has announced a new program for funding missions. Elder Russell Ballard of the Missionary Committee (also of the Refreshment Committee, but lucky for him, not of the Cleanup Committee) announced the details of this new plan. Henceforward, all families supporting missionaries will be required to send all their money to the church every month. The church will then return $375 a month to the family for them to live on while keeping the rest. As soon as the family's missionary completes his or her mission, the $375 monthly payment from the Church to the family will stop, but the family will be required to continue to send all their money forever. In practice this will not be as difficult as it sounds, as most families are expected to starve to death within a few weeks anyway.

Several new policies affecting missionary work have been announced. Among them are the following:

1. In an effort to make missionaries more culturally accepted, some changes in dress standards will be made. In addition to the white shirt, tie, and nametag that currently make missionaries stand out like a bunch of penguins on an ice pack, local variations in dress will now be allowed. Specifically permitted at this time are kilts in Scotland, funny hats in New Orleans, cowboy boots in Texas, kimonos in Japan, loin cloths in South Los Angeles, and concealed weapons in New York City.
2. The practice of luring people to the waters of baptism by strewing cookies along jungle paths leading to swamps will be discontinued. This practice was originally started by Wilford Woodruff in his first mission to England in 1835. No reason was given for the discontinuation of this time honored practice, but some people think it was related to safety concerns. Others think it just wasted good cookies.
3. Because of the success of the movie Legacy that has been showing non-stop in Salt Lake City for the past five years, the Church has decided to step up its multi-media efforts at missionary work. Accordingly, they have agreed with the Fox Television Network to have those popular icons of American cultural values, Beavis and his irascible pal, Butthead called on missions. They enter the MTC in June.

In a brilliant piece of archeological research, the Editor of the prize-winning newsletter, the London Financial Times, leading a team from the Ricks College Department of Archeology and School of Receptionist Training has announced a discovery that absolutely proves the existence of Nephi, Seer of Olden Times. Working late at night at the site of Tom's Auto Salvage Yard outside of Rexburg, Idaho, the Editor and his team of lackeys uncovered what appears to be an iron rod. Professor Imma Dunce recalled something she once read in 1 Nephi 8 that clearly referred to an iron rod. Godless skeptics point out that the iron rod in question bears a remarkable resemblance to the rear axle of a 1982 Chevrolet Impala, even down to the serial number stamped on it. Brushing aside these baseless claims, we plan to make a major announcement of this important find once we get all the grease cleaned off it.

Researchers have concluded that the percentage of ancient Israelites who could read and write was very high, exceeding the literacy rate of Carbon County, Utah (including the downtown area of the city of Price, Utah). This fact was made apparent by the discovery of important fragments of writing found in Cave 5 in Qumran, a part of the Dead Sea Scroll discovery. This fragment contains the following partial inscription: "…professor Eleazar is a melonhead…" This document was written in a script identified with pre-Babylonian Israel. Scholars theorize the word "professor" identified Eleazar as a teacher, thus supporting the notion that there were schools in ancient Israel. The use of the friendly term "melonhead" suggest the writer was a feisty Israelite schoolboy, further supporting this theory. The scroll is now in the possession of the BYU School of Education for further study. That department was chosen because it is believed to contain the world's largest concentration of both professors and melonheads anywhere in the world.