So thoroughly ignored has small scale goatkeeping been in this country that few of us have any experience in this ancient art any more. Indeed, most of us have either sold or "rented out" our herdsman's staffs, so even these essential tools of goatkeeping are hardly ever seen on our streets and lanes. Rumor has it that Elder L. Tom Perry had his herdsman's staff (also known as a crosier) converted into a seven foot long umbrella that he calls "My Little Buddy."

So that goatkeeping will once more be a common practice in all the land, we dedicate this issue of the Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter to goatkeepers and herdsmen everywhere by making a permanent change of the name of the newsletter to the Journal of American Goatkeeping. The great goatkeepers of history, from Nephi to Elton John, should stand as a fitting reminder to us that goat cheese isn't really as strong as some chowderheads claim that it is.

It has been brought to the attention of our "Handling Whining Complainers" Department that last month's article on translating the Book of Mormon into Pig-Latin was insulting and demeaning to native speakers of Pig-Latin, most of whom live in several small counties in southern Utah. Several tribal organizations of the native Pig-Latin speakers sent their thugs to the house of this Editor and had the nerve to threaten to "ake-bray y-may eck-nay" if I didn't print an immediate apology and at the same time give them 50 bucks for their trouble. Not being one to court violence to my own body, I prudently gave them the money and agreed to print this apology. Here it is, in grammatically correct Pig-Latin:

"Ook-lay ellows-fay, it-ya as-wa ust-jay a-yay oke-jay, ighten-lay up-yay!"

That ought to hold 'em until they learn how to read.

Many times missionaries are called on to speak in public. While this prospect may not be too troublesome to some people, others have panic attacks ranging from the mild to the severe. One Elder from Blackfoot, Idaho (imagine a City Council with their heads so deep in the sand to allow the name "Blackfoot" to continue for more than twenty minutes before they changed it to Pleasant Valley, or Junction City, or something like that) was so scared at the prospect of speaking to a group of Unitarian Librarians that he swallowed his tongue.

Back to the topic though. Never again worry about public speaking. This Editor has uncovered an ancient method of taking all the fear out of speaking before even the largest group in the most hostile of circumstances. The following principles have helped the Editor get through talks ranging from 2-3 hours in length to audiences as hostile as The Greater New York City Hemorrhoid Sufferers Support Group, or DDAMADD (Drunk Drivers Against Mothers Against Drunk Drivers.) Here they are. Try them out, they work great. I oughta charge you people for advice like this.

1. Wear women's clothing under your suit. It is a great confidence builder to know something that your audience does not know, and that you have no intention of ever telling them. Some Mission Presidents are just a bit uncomfortable with this, but they will come around when they see how using this little tip has made you one of the best speakers in your mission.
2. Imagine your audience is wearing only their underwear. This little trick is known as the great equalizer. Difficult audiences are best handled by imagining them in really old and smelly underwear. The most hostile audiences can be faced without even a hint of fear if you imagine them all crammed into the same pair of underwear.
3. Wear a funny hat while you speak. The nastiest of audiences has been known to purr like a bunch of kittens in the face of a speaker wearing a funny hat. Elder Melvin Ballard overcame his public speaking fears by giving his first speech in a General Conference of the Church wearing a hat that looked like a big watermelon.

Some of you have heard that low fat diets are healthy and good for the heart. It is especially important that missionaries eat foods that will give them quick energy and healthy hearts. Since you can't examine your own heart, try this little trick. Take your companion to one of those companies that has those big searchlights that scan the sky for UFOs at grand openings of shopping centers. Ask the man running the thing if you can stand your companion in front of his light for a moment so you can look through him and see his heart. He will probably let you do it just to make you go away. Check it out! You will see that his heart looks like a fat dripping bag of cold french fries. That is probably because he just finished eating a fat dripping bag of cold french fries. We are what we eat!