To convince certain critics that this is really a serious paper and not just a journalistic "flash in the pan," the editor has decided to give the paper a new name. Formerly known as The Herald, The Star, The Servant, and The Missionary Newsletter, the new name of this paper will be permanently changed to Do Not Remove This Label. Inspired by the small tags we see on pillows and mattresses, this new name will serve to remind us that regardless of what we are doing, there is always someone out there nosy enough and mean enough to want to push us around.
On January 18, 1995, Elder Todd Johnson entered the Missionary Training Center in Provo in preparation to being sent to serve in the Brazil, Rio de Janeiro Mission. All who know Elder Johnson will agree that he will be an excellent missionary.
His mission farewell was celebrated in a special Sacrament Meeting program held on January 15, where we were privileged to hear first the blubberings of the mother of the missionary, followed by the blubberings of his father, and finally the inspired blubberings of the missionary himself. All in attendance agreed that he should have been called to serve long before now.
Those who think the church is a static and unchanging organization will have to admit that the new policy changes announced by the Missionary Department have thrust us into the forefront of progressive organizations. In keeping with the scriptural admonition that "he who is greatest among us should be the least," the church announced that all mission presidents and their lovely wives will immediately trade living accommodations with the humblest of their missionaries. No more will they, under the lame excuse of having to keep up appearances, live in upper middle class homes and apartments while their missionaries live at the poverty level.
No specific instructions were given on how this program would be implemented, but you should call your mission president today and tell him that you are ready to exchange housing with him. The editor requests that you write to this paper and tell us how your request was received.
In a strange and bizarre turn of events, the editor of the popular newsletter Do Not Remove This Label is being sought by the local police to find out why the latest issue was late in publication. It was first noticed that something was not right when loyal readers from all over the world (Ecuador, Brazil, Venezuela, the United States, the Netherlands, England, Korea, etc.) began to complain of a great emptiness in their lives. Some of these whining complainers even reported losing their sense of balance and the ability to discern right from wrong due to the deprival of the monthly commentary from home. One missionary even reported a slight loss of appetite, but of course, we know this to be impossible. At present, the editor is refusing all interviews and will not comment on the matter. He did say, however, that he would "tell them anything they wanted to know if it meant escaping torture or being made fun of."
Janice Phillips, lovely wife of Bishop Richard Phillips (she calls him "Stinky" in private) reports having found a Stegosaurus in her laundry room last week. When told that the Stegosaurus has been extinct since the Pleistocene Era, Sister Phillips said that she didn't care and that she would like to keep it if the rightful owner could not be found. At 137 tons, this would be their biggest pet ever. She planned to name it Fluffy, after her mother-in-law. In her first attempt to move Fluffy from the laundry room to the back yard, several dishes were broken. After having spent several hours in the Plano Public Library researching how to care for a Stegosaurus, Janice has decided to construct a tropical swamp in their back yard. Bishop Phillips has moved to California.