Readers of this newsletter have been edified by articles contained herein. Sadly some have evidenced a less than complete knowledge of the history of England. To cure this pernicious ill, we are permanently naming our newsletter The History of England. Henceforth, every issue will contain a piece of information about the history of England, in hopes that readers will soon know all there is to know about the glorious history of that great continent, known to geographers as "Down Under."
The following is intended to teach all that is important about England.
The English are a happy folk
Their king is hailed with trumpets.
They all wear woolen socks and gloves
And take their tea with crumpets.
Wilford Woodruff went there once
To convert the heathen Brits
He taught whole congregations there
And sent them here on ships.
We later sent more elders there
To teach them what was true
And brought the converts here again
Across the ocean blue.
(The ocean blue's in many poems
'Cause it is deep and briny
And filled with fish and eels and such
And things all soft and slimy.)
Back to our poem 'bout England's land
So we will all be smarter
They dub their knights and let them join
The Order of the Garter.
They have a state religion there
That lacks all moral force
As it was formed by Henry VIII
To ratify divorce.
Their money, once the power of
All the world's finance
Is slipping on all markets now
And is as bad as that in France.
The weather there is cold and damp
As clouds blow 'cross the land
The sun's blocked out for weeks on end
By winters icy hand.
So if to England you are called
To missionary service
Just call Salt Lake and plead ill health
And get your call reverseth.
Any modern missionary knows you can't get along in the mission field without a backpack. It just makes sense – the Gospel cannot be taught without fifty pounds of tracts, Books of Mormon, a copy of the missionary handbook, visual aids that would make Steven Spielberg proud, and a set of discussions... all tucked away in your back. When the backpack was first put into missionary service, this little limerick was soon heard throughout all English speaking missions.
There once was an Elder named Jim
Who was so exceedingly thin.
When he'd toss that old pack
Across his frail back
His shoulders would snap and cave in.
Understandably, the general authorities did all they could to stop this limerick from being repeated, as they took great offense at it. The reason they were offended was not that they objected to its message, which some of them found quite funny, but they hated the thought of missionaries hearing any limericks, a poetic form they associated with dirty jokes. This was because all other limericks they had ever heard began with lines like: "There once was a pretty young lass..." (You fill in the rest).
Back to backpacks though. The question of this article is did Paul and Timothy, the greatest missionaries of the early church, wear backpacks? A careful reading of Bruce R. McConkie's A History of The Backpack In The Missionary Service In The Early Church clearly reveals that the answer to this great question is... No!
Archaeologists from the Ricks College Department of Jobs in the Fast Food Industry have unearthed the most amazing archaeological discovery since Nephi's wallet was found in a dumpster in Clovis, New Mexico last year. While digging the foundation for the new mock-up of a MacDonald's customer counter to be used in their upper level class, "Making Change 202," one student found what at first looked like a pile of dirty rags. Their instructor, Professor Imma Dunce, immediately noticed the value of this rare find and took it to her office in the back of the food service building. Spreading it out, she immediately knew she had an ancient Nephite t-shirt. Professor Dunce sent the shirt to Church headquarters for validation. She was sure however that the shirt, which had the name Sam printed on the back, belonged to Nephi's younger brother. Godless skeptics who doubted her conclusions pointed out that the Hanes label on the shirt proved it was not of ancient origin. Professor Dunce was confident these "Sons of Perdition" would soon "get theirs." In the meantime, Professor Dunce has cut a music CD where she is shown wearing the t-shirt, and hopes to be invited to join the very lucrative Especially For Youth lecture circuit.
Low baptisms and funky hairstyles have caused the Missionary Committee to call for the cancellation of the entire State of California. Missionaries serving in California are asked to report to the state line for reassignment. Members not serving missions are asked to leave the state in 1999. It is hoped the whole state can be drained by the beginning of the 21st century.
Elders and Sisters serving in missions worldwide are asked to observe the new meal policy regarding missionaries. From now on, they will be asked to have a member family over to the missionary apartment and serve them one meal a day.
The First Presidency is expected to join with the Editor of this paper to declare it a sacrilege to line the bottom of a birdcage with old issues of the Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter. Anyone caught doing this will be punished by making them read the articles that appear on the back page of the Church News for a whole week.