Inspired by the heroic words of the famous Civil War admiral, David Farragut, who bravely said, "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" this paper (formerly known as The Star, The Herald, The Servant, Close Cover Before Striking, Do Not Remove This Label, The Deseret News, The Journal of Veterinary Medicine, Award Winning Newsletter, and It Wasn't Our Fault) has been re-named. From this time forward the paper will be known as Damn The Torpedoes. The Editor firmly understands that damning has little practical effect on most forms of high explosives, torpedoes included. It is generally known though that damning politicians, other drivers on the freeway, and certain farm animals does affect their behavior. It is hoped that our readers will garner a bit of courage from this new title. Some melonheaded church historians have accused this Editor of rank plagiarism, claiming that Parley P. Pratt, not Admiral Farragut, was the first to use this phrase. In fact, Elder Pratt actually said "Damn the mosquitoes" while he was crossing the prairie. Sister Pratt made him spend the next three nights outside for using such shameful language.

Mark Ashurst returned from the Australia Sydney Mission. After spending two years "down under," Mark is still having some trouble standing upright. Elder James Jones has exchanged pecans for potatoes and has left Texas to serve in the Idaho Boise Mission.

In a move that has taken the entire membership of the church by surprise, President Gordon B. Hinckley has announced that he will take seriously the pronouncement by President David O. McKay when he said, "Every Member a Missionary." President Hinckley said, "We have been far too lax regarding this prophetic edict." He went on to direct that every member of the church was to report to the MTC in Provo, Utah on March 28, 1996 to begin serving their two year mission. In a related story it was learned that Mr. Mack, owner of the Utah based clothing store chain, has just become the world's richest man.

The following facts will make missionary life easier:

• Most missionaries forget what their girlfriends look like after only 3,000 years in the mission field.
• If you took all the missionaries who have served in Brazil since 1982 and laid they down back to back... they would be more comfortable.
• Elder Thomas S. Monson's middle name is Charles.
• Farmers who try to grow peanuts at elevations over 8,500 feet are pinheaded idiots.
• Soda Crackers can be substituted for chicken in chicken soup, though not with much success.
• Shaking hands with investigators while they are in the shower is considered bad manners, except in California.
• A serviceable, but somewhat stiff, pair of warm weather slacks can be fashioned out of used carpet remnants.
• In a computer simulated "re-enactment of history," performed by the BYU Computer Science Department, the Apostle Paul was kicked out of a Denny's Restaurant for undertipping.
• BYU head football coach Lavelle Edwards has confessed to having shown his 1996 play book to a herd of Holstein dairy cattle. University officials have promised an immediate inquiry. None of the cattle had any comments.

With the rapid growth of the Internet, and the high numbers of people with personal computers in their home, the Church has announced the formation of a new computer-based mission. Called the Online Mission (or in keeping with the tradition of saying the names of missions backwards to fool our enemies... the Mission Online), it is designed to promote the gospel in cyberspace. It is expected that four billion people per minute will want to "log onto" church through the Mission Online. Elder Elmo C. Elmo, the first president of the Mission Online has said, "We have a strong need for nerds and geeks in this mission." The First Presidency has further reinforced this stirring call to serve by stating that is the responsibility of every geek in the church to serve in the Mission Online.

To the surprise of many, the First Presidency has announced the publication of a "Swimsuit Edition" of the Ensign magazine. It is hoped that this will increase subscriptions.