A contest was recently held to choose the new name of this newsletter. There were no entries, so we kept the name from last month.

Outbidding the major networks for sponsorship of the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City in the year 2002 was a joint venture between the Faith and Values Channel and the Home Shopping Network. Most events will be modified or re-named to reflect the philosophy of the new sponsors and the conservative nature of the host city. New events for this Olympics will be:

1. Skating Through Life
2. The Eternal Slalom Ski Race
3. The Declaration on the Family Bobsled Race

Frequent Home Shopping bargains will be offered viewers during all commercial breaks. In keeping with Utah's heritage of "something for nothing business practices," a new event will be added to these Olympics. The "Multi-Level Marketing Luge" event will feature a sponsoring team leader who will have to recruit several down-line team members to participate in the race. The results of the race will be announced in a chain letter.

Elder Jeff Jensen has returned from his mission in Portugal and Elder Greg Taylor returns on October 11 from Venezuela. Well done, and welcome home! Elder Brian Scott just entered the MTC and is heading for the Ecuador Guayaquil North Mission.

Digging in Cave 5 at Qumran, site of the discovery of the famous Dead Sea Scrolls in 1947, archeologists have found ancient manuscripts containing proof that Joseph, son of Israel, who was sold into Egypt, had three sons, not just Ephraim and Manasseh as had been earlier thought. History will be forever changed with the discovery that the lineage of Joseph should have been split three ways, not two. One fragment of manuscript even gives the name of this third son of Joseph. His name was Lloyd. Never very assertive, Lloyd just slipped away from the family and out of the pages of history when most of the good stuff from his father's garage sale was split between Ephraim and Manasseh.

The never-ending work of translating the Book of Mormon into every language on earth never ends. The newest translation is the "Pig Latin Version" of the Book of Mormon. Hailed by Elder Russell M. Ballard as a breakthrough in taking the gospel to ten-year-old boys, the Pig Latin Version will be available to all wards and branches in the fall. Elder Ballard gave a stirring address to several assembled ten-year-old boys announcing the new translation. He even slipped into Pig Latin at one point to show them how erudite he was. He later said that he had experienced the "ift-gay of-ya ounges-tay."

Responding to requests that missionaries be allowed to take their very favorite pets with them into the mission field, the Church has issued new guidelines. The following points must be observed when considering taking your pet on a mission.

1. Only pets of good moral character may be considered for missions. This generally eliminates all but stuffed animals.
2. Dogs may not be taken to any mission area except Asia. A missionary who brings a dog with him to Asia is greeted warmly by the native population. In fact he is greeted just as warmly as if he had brought a box of chocolates, or some other delicious treat.
3. Hamsters, gerbils, and guinea pigs may be taken to all Central and South American missions. Studies at the BYU Department of Worthless Studies have found that having one of these furry little critters in your pocket during a discussion helps one learn Spanish more proficiently. 
4. Large carnivorous mammals and reptiles are discouraged as missionary pets. There is some justification though in wanting a crocodile along on a morning of tracting in some neighborhoods of Rio de Janeiro. The experience of most missionaries, however, is that investigators have a hard time concentrating on certain finer points of the gospel when they are also pondering their relative position in the food chain.
5. It is absolutely inappropriate to take more than 25 dairy cattle, of any breed, into the mission field. They must be left at the MTC.

Two weeks ago the Editor awoke suddenly during church having received a direct inspiration by way of a dream. Here is what he was inspired to write: