Readers of The Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter, hereby re-named Editor Released on His Own Recognizance, will be happy to learn that this Editor has indeed been released from jail on his own recognizance. Due to the excellent work of Mr. Pat McCan, an attorney specializing in sexual harassment cases, all charges levied by Troops 446, 347, and 721 of the Girl Scouts of America, the sisters of the 3rd Ward Relief Society, and the women in the Dallas Chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution, will soon be swept under the table. Publication will resume after a hiatus of three months.

Hot weather has arrived for missionaries serving in the Northern Hemisphere. The Missionary Committee has announced changes aimed at making hot weather missionary work more comfortable. New missionaries entering the MTC are getting a look at these new standards which include:

• Black or brown foot and ankle stain to eliminate the need to wear socks.
• Stylish open-toe Doctor Martin shoes keep elders' feet cool yet elegant.
• Nametag tattoos will replace those hot bulky plastic missionary nametags.
• Blue-Ice pocket protectors will not only protect shirt pockets from the wear and tear of ballpoint pens, but they will be filled with a solution that, when frozen, will stay cold all day. Freeze it at night and pop it in your pocket in the morning.
• Hot weather discussions. The lessons have been re-written to include fewer words, and no references to "hot topics." For example, phrases like "the Fires of Hell" will be avoided. On the other hand, references to baptism will be changed to "Baptism by Immersion in Cool Water."
• Midnight to 6:00 AM tracting will let missionaries sleep in the heat of the day.

We all know the anticipation felt when a candidate for baptism is interviewed for worthiness prior to being accepted for church membership. Interviewing Elders are cautioned to watch for little indicators that all might not be well with the candidate for baptism. These might include:

• The candidate for baptism holds his fingers crossed during the interview. This is a sure sign that candor is lacking.
• Excessive reliance on a Magic 8-Ball in formulating answers to interview questions. Even if he is successful in screening the Magic 8-Ball device from your view, you can tell it is being used when all answers sound like "All Signs Point to Yes" or "My Sources Say No." This usually indicates a degree of non-involvement in the free flow of information sought in the interview.
• Resorting to his 5th Amendment Rights during the interview might be viewed as a negative sign.
• Insisting on having his lawyer present during the interview is another sign that this person may not be quite ready to make the baptismal commitment.
• If the candidate answers every question with another question, the conversion process may not be fully complete. For example, the interviewer may want to probe deeper if on asking, "Are you the husband of one wife?" the candidate fires back with "Who wants to know?"
• Frequent glances at the printed Sacrament Meeting times is a sign that he is looking forward to attending church. Frequent questions about the hours and address of the Bishop's Storehouse may signify an unnatural fondness for the Welfare Program.
• If the candidate if an unmarried man in his late 50's and shows a burning interest in the Young Women's Program he should be reported to the authorities.
• The interviewee should be discouraged from consulting his Ouija Board for answers to questions during the baptismal interview.
• Bringing pets to the interview should not be encouraged. While hamsters and gerbils may seem innocuous enough, once pets are allowed it is difficult to know where to draw the line. One woman brought her unusual pet to the baptismal interview and it was disruptive to the spirit of the interview when she paused after every question and looked fondly at her pet and asked, "Well Mrs. Hippopotamus, how shall we answer that one?" Shortly after joining the church she was called to teach a class in Sunday School and spent a whole year leading discussions about Noah's Ark.
• Caution should be exercised in dealing with people who, when asked about their willingness to live the Law of Tithing, instinctively reach for their sidearm. These people should be given jobs in the Church not requiring contact with any other people, like being responsible to annually enter the chapel at midnight to reset the clock.
• Attending the interview dressed like John the Baptist, and snacking on locusts and honey should be seen a good sign. This guy may be a loony, but he really knows what is expected of him.
• Responding to every question by smacking his lips, rolling his eyes to the top of his head, and slapping his forehead with his open hand, while loudly exclaiming "You got that right, baby!" is a sign that this is indeed a "Golden Contact" and should be made coach of the Elders Quorum basketball team immediately. 

Missionaries serving in the Peru Lima Mission, participating in what they thought was a service project to clean out a closet in the chapel, have found what archaeologists think was an ancient Peruvian Airfield. Amid the rubble of what could only have been pre-Columbian runways, terminal buildings, and rental car counters, they found a boarding pass with the name Hagoth clearly printed on it. Readers of the Book of Mormon will remember that Hagoth was thought to have gone off to the western seas by boat, never to return. It is now known that he occupied aisle seat 12D when he last left the continent. Also found with his boarding pass was a receipt for a small contribution made just prior to his flight to the hare-Krishnas in the terminal building.

One of the earliest foods mentioned in the Bible is the Lentil Bean. Lentils are the lowliest members of the bean family. While they can be reasonable flavored to taste like whatever sauce they are prepared in, they are not considered fit for human consumption by most advanced societies. Uncooked, they are about the size, shape, and color of the common wood tic. Lentils are first mentioned in Genesis 25:30-34 when Jacob used them to entice his brother Esau to give up his birthright. Never having a good head for business, Esau returned famished from hunting and was convinced by Jacob that a bowl of beans that looked, tasted, and felt like a bowl of wood tics was a good trade for all the lands, treasures, and prestige of his father's estates. Because of the lowly lentil bean, Jacob, and not Esau, went on to become the ancestor of people like Benjamin Netanyahu, Woody Allen, Barbara Streisand, and Irving Berlin. Esau went on to become the ancestor of Yassir Arafat, Beavis and Buthead, and Scooby Dooby-Doo - all because of his fondness for lentils.

This Editor perfectly captured his thoughts on the back of a program during last week's Sacrament Meeting: