There are two basic ways to become great in this world. One is to merit greatness by consistently performing at a high level of excellence. The other is to ride the coattails of the truly great by hanging around them, talking like their accomplishments were your accomplishments, and using their name as the title of your paper. This latter method has been derided as the method of the lazy and dishonest, but hey, it works. To this end, we have shamelessly adopted a new name for this newsletter in hopes that the name, if not the drivel we publish here, will propel us to greatness. From this time forward this paper (formerly known as The Servant, The Herald, The Star, The Missionary Newsletter, Do Not Remove This Label, Close Cover Before Striking, The Texas Blabber, The Deseret News, The Journal of Veterinary Medicine, Award Winning Newsletter, It Wasn't Our Fault, and Damn The Torpedoes) will now be known as The Chicago Tribune.

In February of 1996, the church reached an important milestone. Due to the tremendous growth of the church in the missions of the world, there are now more members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints outside of the United states than living in the US. Spanish has become the predominant language, spoken by more members of the church than English. It should be remembered though that in most areas of the world, it is still considered bad manners to refer to Elder G. B. Hinckley as the "Big Enchilada."

After waiting several months in Boston for his visa to be issued, Elder Jeff Ludlow finally got to his mission assignment in Brazil. He has forgotten every scrap of language training he received in the MTC. He did send the following letter home to his parents:

The First Presidency has a new policy on whether to baptize people in Jello. The policy is as follows: Don't Do It!

A recent archaeological discovery in central Michigan had scholars all over the world rethinking their theories about the origins of the ancestors of the American Indians. Several metal plates have been found and their writing deciphered by philologists. The writings seem to give credence to theories linking the American Indian to members of the American Society of Automotive Engineers. It was noted that the words "Buick Sedan" appear several times in the writings. Brother Wiflord C. Griggs, Anthropologist, Paleontologist, Archaeologist, Philologist, Severe Hypochondriac, Somnambulist, and Borderline Nuthead was quoted as saying, "Wow, look at the suspension on that baby, I'll bet it did zero to sixty in under eight seconds." Elder Russell Ballard of the Council of the Twelve was given one of the tablets to read but mumbled something about not having the right glasses on that day and promptly left the room. The Editor of this newsletter did see the writings but declined to give a translation of them saying something about "not being able to read a sealed book."

Many people were surprised to see the hymn "How Great Thou Art" in the newest revision of the LDS Hymnbook as it is the theme song of the Billy Graham Crusade. Scientists from the Department of Business Machines Education and Pre-Training, Ricks College, have recorded this hymn into an old reel-to-reel tape recorder and, on playing it backward at one third the original speed, discovered a very clear message telling them to re-think their commitment to Ricks, and consider getting a real job in the fast growing service industry.