Our attorneys have told us to change the name of this paper again in order to both avoid prosecution and to qualify to new and exciting tax benefits. From now on, the name of this award winning Newsletter will be Dave. The tax benefits will come from the fact that I can claim Dave as a dependent on my 1997 Federal Income Taxes. Anyone trying to associate this paper with it's predecessor papers (The Star, The Herald, The Servant, Close Cover Before Striking, Do Not Remove This Label, The Deseret News, The Journal of Veterinary Medicine, Award Winning Newsletter, It Wasn't Our Fault, Damn The Torpedoes, The Chicago Tribune, The Wretched Mess News, The Book of Ruth, Floor Coverings Review, Journal of American Goatkeeping, Nightcrawlers, Are They The Best Bait?, Nice Guys Finish Last, and Is Snobbery The Best Policy?) is a chowderhead and will be hounded mercilessly by our lawyers Dewey, Cheatem and Howe.
To take the message of the inspired hymns throughout the world, it has just been announced that the hymn book will soon be translated into Ebonics. As any idiot knows by now, Ebonics is the special dialect of 'da streets. Ebonics is the language of the dropout, the druggie, and the rapper. Soon this ever-growing segment of society will be able to sing such familiar favorites as "Weeza Gwanna Strut our Stuff" (We Are Marching On To Glory), "Rapp'in As We Split" (Sing We Now At Parting), and that old standby hymn "Foxy Mamas" (As Sisters In Zion). Paul H. Dunn (Elder Emeritus), who humbly recounted being taught in Ebonics at his mother's knee will head this translation effort.
Zarahemla, the ancient city of the Nephites has been found by a team of archaeologists from the Ricks College Catering and Food Services Department using a new technique involving Menu Analysis. The story of how menu analysis led to the discovery of site of ancient Zarahemla may be read in full in the newly published book, "The Story Of How Menu Analysis Led To The Discovery Of The Site Of Ancient Zarahemla" by Keith Taylor. The book is a bargain, especially since it comes with a tastefully designed dust jacket and a selection of the author's favorite recipes for green chili salsa.
The author recounts in thrilling detail how researchers began with an old menu dated 1964 from Rexburg Idaho's Eats and Runs Diner, and traced flavors, ingredients, and phone numbers of overly friendly waitresses to discover the biggest find in the history of archeology since the discovery of Nephi's wallet last year in Clovis, New Mexico. A fine copy of this book can be had for a mere $129.99, plus $36.00 for shipping, handling, and the general bother of having to deal with the public. Missionary discounts are not available.
If you get sick by talk of messy bodily disorders, STOP READING NOW. What follows is only for those who can stand the full glare of truth's bright light.
One fact they fail to discuss in the MTC is that all missionaries serving anywhere but in Iceland will have not one, but two companions for their entire missions. This "other" companion is silent, invisible, and completely faithful to you. No transfers, disagreements, or petty differences will separate the two of you. You are probably thinking I am referring to the Holy Ghost or one of the Three Nephites, or maybe even old Mephistopheles (Satan's Imp). No, we're talking tapeworms here!
Tapeworms live in the stomach of their symbiotic host (the missionary) and vary from a fraction of an inch to over 50 feet in length. They usually enter the body of the unsuspecting missionary by hitching a ride on some contaminated food while he is eating with the Gomez family, their three dogs, forty chickens, and a goat. They grow in your gut, living off the beans, rice, tortillas, and other swill you chug down while on your mission. Most of their waking hours are spent rearranging your stomach, eating what you eat, and laying eggs. During prolonged periods of fasting they have been known to come out of their slumber and, being ravenously hungry, go on a rampage.
On one ugly occasion, an Elder serving in the Ecuador-Guayaquil North Mission was attempting to fast for 41 days and nights to get his name into the Guinness Book of World Records (In his mission this is recognized as one of the really legitimate reasons to fast for a long period of time.) Midway through his fast, his tapeworm decided it was too hungry to continue. This tapeworm needed food because it was still an adolescent worm of only 34 feet and growing fast. When the unsuspecting missionary had gone to sleep the worm made its move. Slithering out of his stomach, it made it way through the esophagus and, finding the elder's mouth closed, wiggled through the nasal passage and out his nose in search of food. It slithered completely out of the body of our servant of truth and across the floor, making a beeline to the cocina (Spanish for kitchen). With uncharacteristic strength it wrenched open the refrigerator door and devoured everything inside. On the counter it found and ate a whole box of saltine crackers, a glass of old soda, and an over-ripe mango. Just as the elder was about to awaken, the marauding tapeworm made its way back to the bed, over the sleeping body of the missionary, and back through his nose to the safety of his gut. When he awoke, the missionary noticed a trail of goo mixed with cracker crumbs running across his floor, up his chest, over his upper lip and disappearing into his nostril. He also noticed that his kitchen (English for cocina) had been trashed. Only then did he comprehend what had happened. From then on he always slept with a tight mesh bag over his head so that if his tapeworm ever escaped again it couldn't destroy his tastefully decorated apartment. THIS IS A TRUE STORY (unlike some of the other trash you read in the papers).
There is a bright side to the tapeworm dilemma. There are several things you can do to reduce the risk of contracting a tapeworm.
Just before you leave your mission to come home, the woman who you always thought was the Mission President's lovely wife will reveal her true and sinister identity as the leader of the world's largest drug cartel. She will do this by quietly giving you a harmless looking pill to swallow just as you are about to board the plane to leave the country. When you ask her what the pill is she will mumble something about your having to eat it in order to know good from evil, or something like that, and that you will feel much better soon. This pill is designed to root out and destroy all the tapeworms infesting your body. It is made of a collection of the most poisonous substances known to man, inside a friendly fruit flavored sugar coating. If you hold it in your hand too long all your fingers will die and fall off. Eat it quickly and pray the tapeworm is awake when it hits bottom. If things work out as described in the manuals, your tapeworm will slither over to the new and tasty morsel and swallow it in one great gulp. Within 3 nanoseconds all 50 feet of your pal will be dead. That means you have only one more memorable experience in store for you before you are rid of your tapeworm forever. Good luck!