Due to an unfortunate accident in the pressroom last month, the name of this paper will be permanently changed to It Wasn't Our Fault. Ever since pressman Bernie Klug fell face first into a binding machine and was sorted, collated, and stapled to death, our attorneys have been advising that we use every opportunity to deny responsibility for that accident and any other occurrence that might remotely be associated with it. Hence the new name. Anyone trying to associate this paper with its predecessor papers (The Star, The Herald, The Servant, Close Cover Before Striking, Do Not Remove This Label, The Deseret News, The Journal of Veterinary Medicine, and Award Winning Newsletter) is a chowderhead and will be hounded mercilessly by our lawyers Dewey, Cheatem and Howe. This vicious harassment, of course, will be carried out in accordance with the true spirit of the Christmas season.

Several people have reported finding subliminal messages in the movie Legacy that is shown to visitors of LDS Church headquarters in Salt Lake City. Two scenes have been singled out as particularly offensive. In one scene, shot on location on the Wyoming prairie, a herd of buffalo are seen mooning a pioneer family who are trudging their way westward. The other offending scene was where the actor playing the part of the Prophet Joseph was seen mooning a herd of buffalo who are trudging their way westward.

To streamline the process of teaching the gospel in a manner understandable to people all over the world, the Missionary Committee has devised a new teaching method that makes the missionary lessons universally understandable, regardless of the country, language, or culture of the investigator. Better still, this method can be taught to new missionaries in one week's time, eliminating the need to take up valuable time teaching dumb and unintelligible languages in the MTC. "Those crazy guys in the missionary department have really come up with a zinger of an idea this time," said Elder Yoshihiko Kikuchi (identical twin brother to Elder Thomas A. Monson).

Called "Teaching Through Dance," this new method employs the strong imagery of interpretive dance to teach subtle theological concepts. In an amazing demonstration of this new and innovative technique, Elder Russell M. Ballard danced the "Plan of Salvation" lesson at a recent BYU devotional. At one point he successfully reduced the very difficult concept of the Three Degrees of Glory to a simple two-step, followed by a graceful and provocative dip of the right shoulder. What had taken the Apostle Paul three days of preaching and epistle writing to get across to the multitudes, Elder Ballard danced to thousands of people in just four minutes. In an interview at the end of the performance, where he was presented a bouquet of red roses, Elder Ballard remarked that while he enjoyed teaching through dance, what he really liked was being able to wear his new pink tutu.

Taking her cue from the family preparedness lessons in the Relief Society, Sister Nina Johnson has taken the unusual step of preparing for her son's mission by making meals for a full two years ahead of time for Todd to take with him to Brazil. "It was no big deal," said Sister Johnson, "I just cooked a little extra whenever I made a meal for the family over the two years prior to Todd's mission call and put it away for him." Initially concerned about how the food would store, keep its nutrients, and pack, Sister Johnson finally settled on a process of heavily salting the food and then using the trash compactor to compress it into one-cubic-foot blocks for easy packaging. Each block is carefully labeled as to content, weighs about 30 pounds, and will feed Todd for a week. When Todd reported to the MTC, he had with him two suitcases of clothing and 105 boxes of lovingly prepared food. The extra box was to be used for barter with other missionaries who did not have the good fortune of being Nina Johnson's son.

When he received his call to serve in Brazil, Todd just winked knowingly at his mother because he knew he would never have to miss her excellent cooking. Nina explained that she carefully positioned different items of food in the compactor so Todd could vary his diet by choosing which end of the food block to eat from. She usually put some extra delicacy in the center of the food block.