In keeping with a revered tradition, the name of this Intergalactic Missionary Newsletter is once again changed in an unending effort to keep the "Feds off our trail." Owing to the extraordinarily high volume of ridiculous criticism that has been levied on us by certain vocal chowderheads because we named our last issue The Book of Mormon, we will abandon that name in favor of our new name, This Is Your Third and Final Notice. Inspired by this heartfelt personal message that we seem to find in almost every bill we receive in our editorial office, we have adopted this name in hopes that it will inspire as much fear in our godless critics as it does in us.

Once again the Editor of this newsletter has won a major poetry award. His new poem is about the driving spirit of missionary work in the latter days and has touched the hearts of the entire Ricks College grounds maintenance crew, and won him their coveted "Limerick of the Year Award." Those of our readers who would like a personalized copy of this wonderful poem should send a check for $138.00, plus $15.00 for shipping and handling to this newsletter.

After your check has cleared the bank we will mail you a copy of this touching poem suitable for framing and hanging right next to the First Presidency's Proclamation on the Family. (We don't see what the big deal was with that proclamation anyway. None of it rhymed at all!) Here is the award winning poem:

Unfortunately, Elder Neal A. Maxwell, who had not been notified in advance of the publication of this poem, has filed a lawsuit claiming the poem was actually written by his great-grandmother while she was struggling to cross the rain-swollen Sweetwater River while a member of the Martin Handcart Company. In his lawsuit he claimed he was planning on making it a part of his next General Conference talk.

The prevailing policy of having local wards and branches provide missionaries with at least one meal a day is being changed. Starting next month, new missionaries will be asked to eat heavily for several months before beginning mission service and then fast for the entire duration of their missions. The Missionary Committee has calculated that the additional proselyting time gained by not having to stop regularly for meals will result in thousands more people joining the church.

It has been reported (by a very reliable rumor-monger) that all new missionaries entering the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah after November 1, 2000 will have the length of their stays in the MTC shortened to only 5 hours. Elders and Sisters (as well as all missionary couples) who will be learning a foreign language will stay 6 ½ hours. This is in response to the urgent need to get missionaries into the mission field as soon as possible to replace those who are expected to expire while attempting to fast for their entire missions. (See previous article.)

All LDS missionaries have been expelled from the State of California and the governor has issued an "extermination order" to deal with those who fail to leave within a week. Californians, who have long prided themselves for being weird and quirky people, held a special election last month and voted that the practice of LDS missionaries wearing Dr. Martin shoes and always carrying backpacks while dressed in white shirts and ties was too strange even for California. California missionaries are being moved to the neighboring state of Nevada, where backpacks and big shoes are considered extremely chic and stylish.

In a totally awesome talk given at the Missionary Training Center, Professor Upyors Buddy, of the English as a Second Language Department at Weber State University, declared that the overuse of the word "awesome" in missionary speech at written correspondence is threatening to capsize the church. Professor Buddy (pronounced to rhyme with muddy) described in awesome detail how this irksome word has come to exceed even Nephi's linguistic style in his use of the redundant term, "and it came to pass," when fleshing out his accounts. Professor Buddy (pronounced to rhyme with fuddy) said the newly formed church in the Americas nearly tipped over in Nephi's day and that we are nearing the same danger today. The crux of the message left by Professor Buddy (pronounced to rhyme with cruddy) was that linguistically speaking, we are safer to stay near the center of the boat, and that any continued us of the word "awesome" was the same as having all of us run to the edge of a ship, and would therefore capsize the church. Several young elders and sisters cried when they heard this warning and asked to be released to go home. In response to their sniveling and fearful attitude, the MTC issued an "extermination order" to deal with them.

The Relief Society Sisters of the Continent of Africa contributed the following recipe. It is a favorite when serving large numbers of people: